


a leopard pattern couch

by thisprentiss



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Shenanigans, Trans Character, honestly?? everybody is trans in this fic except for laf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-20 08:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8243098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisprentiss/pseuds/thisprentiss
Summary: life is like one big shitpost if you think about it. the revolutionary set + friends find this out in their adventures post-high school





	1. Whole Squad Here

**Author's Note:**

> this whole fic is just a shitpost i swear?? also every chapter is going to be a separate situation probably. this chapter is just trying to establish characters so it doesn't really have a plot yet  
> anyway please leave a comment even if it's just a quote from a meme bc i'll love u

Aaron _really_ hadn't expected his first year out of high school to go like this.

Actually... _no one_ could've predicted how his first year out of high school went. No one would have looked at soft spoken, socially anxious early graduate Aaron Burr and said, " _Yes. This looks like the type of young man that would almost die in the parking lot of a Walmart with a Happy Meal box on his head._ "

The last day of high school went by in an absolute spinning blur. One second Aaron was a senior, signing yearbooks and bumping shoulders with his friends, and the next second he was walking down the steps of the auditorium with his diploma, hand still warm from the firm handshake Principal Washington had given him.

He took his seat and stared blankly ahead, shocked when he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Aaron, ceremony's over," the voice was Joseph Brandt, a soft spoken Native American kid that sat next to Aaron during all assemblies. It was weird that they had barely ever talked to each other in all four years of high school.

"Right, thanks, man," Aaron said, giving Joseph his friendliest smile, "I'll see you around, okay? Maybe we could meet up for breakfast or something before you head to college."

"Sounds good," Joseph said. And then he was leaving, joining up with his other friends and leaving Aaron alone in the aisle of seats.

He sat in silence and shock for another good minute, until there was shouting behind him and a pair of strong arms lifted him up off the chair. "Aaron Burr, sir!" Mulligan. Why was he not surprised. And of course, behind them was Hamilton and his lackeys, hooting and hollering for Mulligan to slam dunk Aaron into a garbage can.

"Burr, sir, can you believe it!? We're officially out of this fucking agujero del infierno!" Hamilton grinned, running beside Mulligan as they carried Aaron out of the auditorium. "Like _officially_ out! Sir we are _officially_ adults!"

"Hamilton, I am _so_ sorry, but I still don't speak Spanish," Aaron said, tilting his head back so he could see Hamilton's face. "I don't know what an aguero inferno is."

" _Agujero del infierno_ ," Hamilton corrected, annunciating carefully, "Hellhole, sir, hellhole. We're out of this hellhole. Seriously, did Señor Usnavi not teach you _anything?_ "

"I never paid attention in his class _ever_ ," Aaron said, yelping when Mulligan put him down.

"Ain't _nobody_ payed attention in his class, seriously, not even perfect lil Mx Lizzy Schuyler over here," Laurens agreed as he managed to leap frog over Eliza's standing figure. They screamed when he did it, and then smacked him on the arm as hard as they could.

"Fucking _asshole_ , I _swear_ ," they snapped, though Laurens just laughed, "Congrats on finally doing it, guys! I swear, soon as I get home I'm burning every single one of my textbooks. Maybe even my backpack too."

Hamilton scoffed. "Rich people, por dios. I'm selling my damn text books. Angie, baby, you're looking fierce in that dress!"

"I'm gonna shove my foot so far up your ass you're gonna be shitting toenails for weeks," Angelica told him firmly, though she ruffled his hair as she walked past. "Good job, guys. I'm really proud of you. All of you."

"Don't act like you're our mother, you literally just graduated like last year," Eliza said, rolling their eyes, and Angelica laughed.

"I'm _basically_ all of y'all's mom, especially you. You live with me, kiddo," she grinned, and then seemed to catch sight of someone else, lifting her hand and waving frantically, "Maria! Hoe come _over_ here! Maria!"

Aaron gazed around Mulligan's enormous form and saw the tiny, chubby figure of Maria Reynolds making her way over to them. She was standing a solid six inches taller than Aaron, though he knew if she wasn't in heels she would be significantly shorter. "Mr. Burr, sir! Nice tux!"

"Thanks, Maria, your dress is gorgeous," he responded, and she did a little twirl, straight into Eliza's arms. "You two are cute and gay, as always."

"Sir you _flatter_ me," Maria winked, and Aaron smiled.

That running joke of calling him _sir_ in every sentence was years old - ever since he asked them to stop calling him 'Jenny' and start calling him 'Aaron' - but it still made his heart swell with joy every time someone said it. Besides the fact that it did wonders to boost his confidence and make him worry less about how he was passing, it felt... _really good_ to be part of an inside joke. Even if he himself _was_ the inside joke.

"It's a million dollars, dude! One dick - just _one_ dick - for a million dollars, c'mon," Laurens was saying.

In his train of thought's brief crash, he'd apparently missed a _very_ big turn in the conversation.

"Honestly? I'd suck Washington's dick for like five dollars and a bag of twizzlers," Eliza was shrugging, earning a _very_ disgusted glare from Hamilton.

"Okay, but you are not really the best example?" he said, "Ensirio, guys, those words are literally coming out of the mouth of the same gir- person that said they'd willingly drink chocolate milk out of someone's anus without any compensation."

"The compensation is the satisfaction!"

"How the fuck did this come up in the last five seconds?" Aaron asked, still in shock.

"Somebody sucked John off for Megabus ticket money in the back parking lot of a Denny's," Maria said, "And so _I_ asked if anyone here would suck Washington's dick for a million dollars. Eliza's the one that decided to get nasty."

Before anyone could say anything else, Laurens very suddenly kicked his leg out in the air and did a pair of pretty impressive jazz hands toward someone approaching. "Peggy Peggy bo-beggy banana nana fo feggy, fee fi mo meggy- _Peggy!_ " he sang, looping an arm around the sophomore's waist and pulling her close to his side. "How's it feel to be the only Schuyler left in high school?"

"Feels pretty good, honestly," she smiled, resting her head on Laurens' shoulder, "Now that they aren't gonna be in school I can spread as many rumors as I want without them finding out."

"Little shit," Eliza laughed as they joined the hug, "Anyone wanna go out to like a post grad dinner or something? I know we talked about it earlier and I'm absolutely _starving._ "

"Dinner would be _fuckin' awesome!_ " Mulligan shouted, hip checking Aaron with so much force that he almost fell on the ground, "Anybody interested in Olive Garden? Because I would _literally_ bust a nut if we went to Olive Garden."

There were loud orgasmic groans and hoots of agreement, and Eliza looked around expectantly. "That's more than two miles away and I'm not walking there in these heels. Anyone bring their car? Looking at you, Laf," they said, giving Lafayette _the stare._

He smiled awkwardly, putting his hands up. "I wish one of you would buy a car so I didn't have to drive you all everywhere. Because I walked. So no. I do not have my car with me."

"What kind of fucking cisappointment?" Hamilton groaned, and Lafayette rolled his eyes, "That's when your cis friend disappoints y-"

"You've explained it, Monsieur Hamilton, I do not need it rehashed," he said, though he was obviously about to start laughing. "So do any of us have a way to get to the Olive Garden, or will we be forced to pick somewhere closer?"

There was a long moment of silence, and then Eliza reached out toward the few people still trickling out of the auditorium, and yanked someone into their group. "Hey Charles!" they smiled pleasantly, keeping a firm grip on the kid's arm. "My good buddy, my good friend pal... friend."

Charles just stared at them. "Um. Hi?"

"Everybody, Charles Lee. Charles Lee, everybody," Eliza said as they gestured to the group, "I tutored him in math last year. Basically graduated him. He has a car."

"Hey wait, yo, that undercut's familiar," Laurens was stepping forward and peering curiously at Charles, who stared back, equally interested.

"You wear a beanie usually?" he asked.

"Yeah I do."

"I sucked your dick for Megabus ticket money like a month ago!" all of a sudden the two of them were hugging, slapping each other on the back and laughing. "You didn't tell me you knew Liz."

"Didn't really come up in that situation, I guess," John shrugged, "Guys, this is the dude! This is the Megabus guy!"

"My god, you're an _inspiration!_ " Mulligan laughed, followed by Lafayette dabbing awkwardly.

"Guys!" everyone looked at Alexander as he shouted, blinking sarcastically, "Can we please? I really don't have time for John's stories about shooting this kid in the mouth. I want my damn Olive Garden."


	2. eliza "the arsonist" schuyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eliza-centric chapter, starts off right where the last chapter ended. i love making them an arsonist tbh honestly. there's not enough fire-obsessed eliza in this fandom. next chapter will be more memey i promise  
> comment!! please!! validate me!!

Charles Lee's 'car' turned out to actually be a van with enough room to fit at least twelve people.

"Are we sure he's not a serial killer?" Hamilton asked as they all clambered inside, "Like? This is shady as all hell, guys. Tinted windows. Guy's got tinted windows. I don't want to get killed today. _Dios mio q_ _ué chingados_ there are _literally_ two dead bodies in the back of this van! I'm getting out, move move move, I'm getting out-"

"Alex get in the car you pussy!" Laurens shouted from where he was standing in between two seats.

"Suicio!" Alex shot back.

"Cabron!"

"Who the fuck are these people?"

"Oh my god it's alive!" Alex threw himself backward onto Aaron, who barely managed not to topple everyone else over like dominos. Then he shoved Alex off of him and back toward the two people in the back, only making everyone scream more.

"Hey, hey, whoa!" that was Charles, climbing into the driver's seat and waving his arms around, "Sorry. That's Sam and George. They uh... live here. With me. In this van. George, Sam, say... hi, I guess."

"Samuel Seabury, hi," one of the two said, tripping forward over the other one to try and shake hands, "They/them pronouns. Why are you all here? Lee, please tell me they're not here to live. I can barely stand you and George, I don't want more people up in my personal space."

Charles and Sam were both ignoring the confused and vaguely frightened looks on everyone else's faces, opting instead to continue their conversation. "Nah, I'm driving them to Olive Garden. I owe it to Liz. They helped me graduate last year. Also almost burned my entire house down, but that's beside the point."

"Which one's Liz?" Sam asked, smiling when Eliza waved at them, "Hi! I'm Sam."

"I heard," Eliza responded, and Alex cleared his throat _very_ loudly.

"Excuse me, I'm not following _any_ of this, and I just want some damn Olive Garden, can we _please_ skip the introductions and just _go?_ " he cried, and at any other time Aaron probably would have laughed _really_ loudly. But the whole situation was pretty uncomfortable.

"Right, yeah, sorry!" Charles said, slamming the driver's door and starting the car.

No one even had any time to take seats, let alone get buckled, before he was speeding off out of the school parking lot, sending Aaron falling straight down onto Mulligan's lap.

 _This is ridiculous,_ he thought as Charles took a sharp left turn, I _hope I don't have to get in this damn van ever again._

 

* * *

 

Aaron got in that damn van again.

In fact, he spent quite a bit of time in that damn van. Charles became the 'official driver' of the bunch, acting like a taxi whenever they needed to go somewhere. It wasn't really ever a _pleasant_ time in the van, but the fact that Aaron could call him up whenever he wanted to take him _wherever_ he wanted was pretty nice.

He got used to the constant complaining and weed smell.

Sam and George were nice enough. When they weren't bickering with Alex, anyway. Eliza acted as a sort of moderator whenever the three would go at it, keeping things calm so there wouldn't be any actual physical fights. They were good at that. And of course Sam and George loved them; Eliza the arsonist always had a lighter up their sleeve for their weed needs.

"So why _does_ everyone call you the arsonist?" George asked, taking a long drag of his joint, "Seems like a bit of a cruel nickname to get from so called _friends._ "

Eliza could only laugh. "Oh trust me. There's a pretty good story behind that."

"I'd love to hear."

"Okay everybody that wasn't there, gather round. It's story time," Eliza sighed, though there was a smile quirking at the edge of their mouth, "So seventh grade. I think Aaron and Alex were the only two that were in the school at the time, but anyway. Me and Alex had a thing going on, right? Seventh grade romance, hand holding, awkward hugs, one time he kissed me and our braces got stuck together. Yadda yadda."

"That was painful," Alex cut in, pursing his lips.

"I know. I was _there,_ " Eliza said with a swift eyeroll, " _Anyway_ , after PE one day, Alex was caught behind the bleachers french kissing Miss Maria Reynolds - love you baby - and word spread _real_ fast. I was pissed as hell, right?"

Sam sat up, looking excited. " _Please_ tell me you lit him on fire."

"Ha! No, I wanted to, but I didn't. I broke into his locker, took all his notes and papers and stuff, and lit them on fire in the middle of the hall."

Lafayette looked astonished, and Mulligan was clapping loudly. John just laughed. " _All_ of the papers!? Tell me Alexander did not write as much then as he does now."

"Oh he did," Eliza chuckled, "He certainly did. Fire alarm went off, school wide evacuation, I got caught chilling with the burning pile of papers. Threw me in juvie. My dad covered all that up, obviously, otherwise I probably couldn't have gotten into Harvard. Now it's on the record that I was _homeschooled_ for a year. Came back to school, me and Alex started being friends again after the whole hurricane situation, and thus I was known as the arsonist from then on. Thank you."

"Wonderful, truly wonderful," George smiled, applauding, "I always knew you were my favorite, Eliza. They're classy. And vengeful. I love it."

"You think _that_ was good!?" John laughed, pattering his feet on the ground like an excited child, "Damn, Liz, tell 'em about that time you lit up that bus!"

Charles whipped around in the driver's seat, eyes wide. "You set a _bus on fire!?_ "

"It's not as dramatic as it sounds. I was mad, John took me out to this old abandoned school bus station, I let off some steam."

"They smashed the windows with a sledge hammer and then poured gasoline all over the insides. Thing lit up like a damn _lightbulb!_ It was mad cool. Oh! Oh! What about the time with Jefferson's coat? Or- or- the time with the cell phone! There are _so_ many good ones, man, I can't even _count._ "

"So I take it arson is something you do in your free time, then," George stated.

Eliza just shrugged.

 

* * *

 

"Madison, I'm not an assassin for hire. I only burn things when I know nobody's gonna get hurt."

James Madison, standing at a solid five foot two, was staring up at Eliza with a desperate look on his face. " _Please,_ Eliza. No one is going to get hurt. I just need you to _scare_ them a little."

"Oh my god, what did I _just_ say? I don't take arson _jobs!_ It's just a _hobby!_ " they snapped.

"But Eliza-"

They let out a long, aggravated groan. "Madison, I swear to god. If the next words out of your mouth aren't 'I'm sorry, Eliza, that was a really stupid thing to ask, I'll never talk to you again about this' then I _don't_ want to fucking hear it."

Madison was quiet for a long moment, pursing his lips. Then, "Just a little fire?"

"Oh my fucking- _agh!_ I don't take jobs or anything! I'm not a hitman! I don't _kill people!_ " they held a finger up before Madison could cut in, "I know. I know. You just want me to scare them. But that is _really_ dangerous, you do understand that, right? If someone innocent got hurt because of me I'd never be able to forgive myself."

"But these guys, they-"

"There is absolutely nothing you could tell me that would make me change my mind, James," they said sharply, "I don't care if they kicked a puppy, or stole your lunch money, or tripped some dude on the street, I'm not going to bring _any_ fire _anywhere_ close to them."

"Eliza, they-"

"Are you not hearing me!? Look, I _know_ you just want me to do a little scaring. But I get _really_ carried away _really_ fast, and no matter what those men did, it isn't worth the risk of-"

"These redneck dickweeds kicked the shit out of Jefferson last week, called her a bunch of nasty slurs."

Eliza stopped talking, eyes narrowing. "Transphobic slurs?"

"Yep," James said, "Racist ones, too. She's taking it pretty bad."

There was a pause of tense silence. Then Eliza pulled their lighter out of their pocket, gritting their teeth. "Where are these sons of bitches?"


End file.
